Tuesday, November 7, 2023

Reading on the porch…


 After Annie by Anna Quindlan

I like Anna Quindlan’s writing. She puts real life into words. The Brown family has suffered a heartbreaking loss. They grieve and stumble trying to deal with Annie’s death. “There was no way to know how to move on, though everyone insisted you should do, without leaving the person behind, so that the further you got into this new, strange, different, impossible existence, the fainter they got.” Annie is here in this story. Bill Brown, Ali, Ant and Annamarie are people to care about.

Thanks Netgalley for the opportunity to read this ARC. #AfterAnnie #AnnaQuindlan # Netgalley

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

Alone on the old front porch…

 Ivan died at home holding my hand. He passed peacefully at 6:06 a.m. on 6/06/2023. Hospice broke his heart. He cried. He was so sad to leave. Kelley and Cammy were with us when he left this life that he loved so much. I bathed him and dressed him for the funeral home. His Graveside service was loving. So many people attended. My entire family from Vancouver,BC to Idaho,  LA, downstate, Texas, Florida all attended. It was a tribute to a life well lived. He had no regrets. He just wanted more. 

This now is the hard part for me. Caregiving was not it. Missing him is the most painful thing I have been through. I am alone. Somehow I have to make a life without unconditional love. Without his unwavering love and friendship. He was a good man. My heart is broken.



Wednesday, May 24, 2023

Aging on the porch…

 The 70’s have changed life as I know it. At 72 I am noticing wrinkles. Arthritis. My back aches. There are things I don’t want to do. Like hiking, scrubbing floors, dressing up, going out. Suffer fools.  I enjoy being home. Doing jigsaw puzzles is my new excitement. “I found a piece!” 

The decade of septuagenarian has brought a catastrophic illness into my life. My partner of 54 years has had Neuroendocrine carcinoma of the pancreas for two years-5/28/2021. It has changed everything. Pain, chemo, radiation, fear, meds, hospital stays, CT scans, MRIs, caregiving,


doctors  and nurses have taken the place of travel, relaxation, entertaining, camping  and joy. 

Aging is not for sissies. 

Sunday, April 30, 2023

Birthday # seventy two on the porch…





 

 I did it. I am 72. Sweet birthday gifts and card from hubby. Aunt Joanie and Cammy and Violet. Kelley sent crackers. Michelle is waiting til I get to Florida. So far 72 is not much fun. Ivan is so sick. We are preparing for clinical trial. LeeAnne’s service was on my birthday. I am so sad about losing her to a terrible accident. Her Celebration of a Life well lived was so beautiful. 

Friday, April 28, 2023

Birthday Eve…

 I’ll be 72 tomorrow. Where have my years gone? So many good years. Then Cancer happened. These last two years have been so difficult. Lost. The possibilities. The plans. Fun. Travel. We missed graduations and games. Meets and concerts. Ivan is so sick. Chemo, radiation, medication. Nothing is easy. We rarely leave our home. We kept positive attitudes. But that hope and optimism we always had is wearing thin. This will be a bittersweet birthday. He loves giving gifts and with LeeAnne’s help got me a puzzle table with sorting drawers. New puzzles. A portable puzzle board for the camper. He will somehow get me a tiramisu. 

LeeAnne’s Celebration of Life is on my birthday. I almost can’t. How do we let her go. 

Family on the porch…

 


Violet and Cammy drove up from Vero and U of M. First year of collage finished. They are staying for a couple of days. It is so good to have them here. Birthday peonies from Shelli and Bob. They are lovely. So thoughtful. 

Two more days of 71. I finished a 1000 piece jigsaw. The library on my new puzzle table. Listened to more of Black Cake. 

Working hard to get Ivan to Cancer Center in Tampa. This has to help.💔



Thursday, April 27, 2023

Two days left of my 71st year…


 Time flies. Where does it go? Where do we go? 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. - Thomas

This is how I really feel. 

It is 2:56 am can’t sleep. I guess this all I have for tonight.