Reading on the porch…

 After Annie by Anna Quindlan

I like Anna Quindlan’s writing. She puts real life into words. The Brown family has suffered a heartbreaking loss. They grieve and stumble trying to deal with Annie’s death. “There was no way to know how to move on, though everyone insisted you should do, without leaving the person behind, so that the further you got into this new, strange, different, impossible existence, the fainter they got.” Annie is here in this story. Bill Brown, Ali, Ant and Annamarie are people to care about.

Thanks Netgalley for the opportunity to read this ARC. #AfterAnnie #AnnaQuindlan # Netgalley

Alone on the old front porch…

 Ivan died at home holding my hand. He passed peacefully at 6:06 a.m. on 6/06/2023. Hospice broke his heart. He cried. He was so sad to leave. Kelley and Cammy were with us when he left this life that he loved so much. I bathed him and dressed him for the funeral home. His Graveside service was loving. So many people attended. My entire family from Vancouver,BC to Idaho,  LA, downstate, Texas, Florida all attended. It was a tribute to a life well lived. He had no regrets. He just wanted more. 

This now is the hard part for me. Caregiving was not it. Missing him is the most painful thing I have been through. I am alone. Somehow I have to make a life without unconditional love. Without his unwavering love and friendship. He was a good man. My heart is broken.

Aging on the porch…

 The 70’s have changed life as I know it. At 72 I am noticing wrinkles. Arthritis. My back aches. There are things I don’t want to do. Like hiking, scrubbing floors, dressing up, going out. Suffer fools.  I enjoy being home. Doing jigsaw puzzles is my new excitement. “I found a piece!” 

The decade of septuagenarian has brought a catastrophic illness into my life. My partner of 54 years has had Neuroendocrine carcinoma of the pancreas for two years-5/28/2021. It has changed everything. Pain, chemo, radiation, fear, meds, hospital stays, CT scans, MRIs, caregiving,

doctors  and nurses have taken the place of travel, relaxation, entertaining, camping  and joy. 

Aging is not for sissies. 

Birthday # seventy two on the porch…

 

 I did it. I am 72. Sweet birthday gifts and card from hubby. Aunt Joanie and Cammy and Violet. Kelley sent crackers. Michelle is waiting til I get to Florida. So far 72 is not much fun. Ivan is so sick. We are preparing for clinical trial. LeeAnne’s service was on my birthday. I am so sad about losing her to a terrible accident. Her Celebration of a Life well lived was so beautiful. 

Birthday Eve…

 I’ll be 72 tomorrow. Where have my years gone? So many good years. Then Cancer happened. These last two years have been so difficult. Lost. The possibilities. The plans. Fun. Travel. We missed graduations and games. Meets and concerts. Ivan is so sick. Chemo, radiation, medication. Nothing is easy. We rarely leave our home. We kept positive attitudes. But that hope and optimism we always had is wearing thin. This will be a bittersweet birthday. He loves giving gifts and with LeeAnne’s help got me a puzzle table with sorting drawers. New puzzles. A portable puzzle board for the camper. He will somehow get me a tiramisu. 

LeeAnne’s Celebration of Life is on my birthday. I almost can’t. How do we let her go. 

Family on the porch…

 

Violet and Cammy drove up from Vero and U of M. First year of collage finished. They are staying for a couple of days. It is so good to have them here. Birthday peonies from Shelli and Bob. They are lovely. So thoughtful. 

Two more days of 71. I finished a 1000 piece jigsaw. The library on my new puzzle table. Listened to more of Black Cake. 

Working hard to get Ivan to Cancer Center in Tampa. This has to help.💔

Two days left of my 71st year…

 Time flies. Where does it go? Where do we go? 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. - Thomas

This is how I really feel. 

It is 2:56 am can’t sleep. I guess this all I have for tonight.

Three days until 72…

 Only three days until my 72nd birthday. I will finish the never have I evers tonight. I am anxious about Ivan traveling with his illness. He seems to be failing. Slowing down. I am grateful. Young friends raked our yard and hauled away 18 bags of leaves to compost. Friends of my daughter, Cammy. pulled our camper to Pomps Tires to have all tires replaced. Dry Rot. Old friend trimmed a tree that was as growing into our garage. Our nephew installed grab bars so Ivan can get around. Another nephew and niece picked up Kelley at the airport. They are taking us to the airport next week. Our niece, LeeAnne mowed our lawn at camp and kept it up for two years. With good cheer every good deed. I am grateful. 

90. Never have I ever been on a sports team-once years ago but we lost every game.

91. Never have I ever maxed out a credit card-Never

92. Never have I ever been blackout drunk-I can’t remember 

93. Never have I ever been engaged-I have

94. Never have I ever gotten married-I have and am.

95. Never have I ever donated to a charity-I have

96. Never have I ever pretended to be sick to get out of something-Never

97. Never have I ever stood up a date-Never

98. Never have I ever ghosted someone-Never?

99. Never have I ever had sex on a beach-Never

100. Never have I ever fallen in love-I did fifty three years ago and am still loving him.

Five days til I am seventy-two…

 70. Never have I ever believed something was haunted-I have

71. Never have I ever participated in a protest-I would 

72. Never have I ever had sleep paralysis-I have. It was so frightening. I could not move or scream.

73. Never have I ever been the alibi for a lying friend-Never

74. Never have I ever pulled an all-nighter-I have, felt terrible the next day.

75. Never have I ever role-played-I have.

76. Never have I ever regretted an apology-I have. 

77. Never have I ever pretended I was sick for attention-Never

78. Never have I ever disliked something that I cooked-I have cooked a few inedible meals. 

79. Never have I ever deleted a post on social media because it didn’t get enough likes-Never, remember I am 71.

80. Never have I ever spent more than $100 on a top-I have. Not often but The Morrison Shop!

81. Never have I ever thrown a drink at someone-Never in anger or drama. For fun!

82. Never have I ever worn someone else’s underwear-Never but I did have to wear someone else’s swim suit for a class…

83. Never have I ever traveled to Europe-Never  but it is my dream trip. 

84. Never have I ever attempted a trendy diet-I have. Remember the One grapefruit, one hot dog, 1/2 cup ice cream diet. South Beach, etc

85. Never have I ever gone to a strip club-Never

86. Never have I ever binged an entire series in one day-I have. Poldark, Being Human, Sherlock, True Blood. 

87. Never have I ever tried psychedelics-Never

88. Never have I ever met someone famous-I have. Marie Osmond 

89. Never have I ever gone streaking. Never

There you have it. A life lived with too many never sun it! 🥴

In our prime❤️

Never have I ever…

 From 0prah Daily

40. Never have I ever laughed so hard I, um, peed my pants as an adult-I have

41. Never have I ever got on the wrong train or bus-Never

42. Never have I ever sent a sext-Never

43. Never have I ever cursed in a place of worship-Not out loud 

44. Never have I ever snooped through someone’s stuff-I have 🫣

45. Never have I ever tried marijuana-I have

46. Never have I ever gone 24 hours without showering-I have

47. Never have I ever had to take a walk of shame-Never

48. Never have I ever gone on a solo vacation-Never

49. Never have I ever gone on a road trip-I have

50. Never have I ever ate an entire pizza by myself-Never

51. Never have I ever saved a life-I have

52. Never have I ever gotten a tattoo-Never

53. Never have I ever wanted to be on a reality TV show-Never-I don’t even watch them 

54. Never have I ever started a fire-A campfire

55. Never have I ever gotten stopped by airport security-I have

56. Never have I ever gone viral online-Never

57. Never have I ever left gum in a public space-Never

58. Never have I ever slept outdoors for an entire night-I have on a trampoline

59. Never have I ever run a marathon-Walked

60. Never have I ever given/received a lap dance-Never

61. Never have I ever made a speech in front of 100 people or more-Students-I have

62. Never have I ever relieved myself in a public pool-Never

63. Never have I ever lied to my best friend about who I was with-Never

64. Never have I ever been to a Disney park-I have-many times

65. Never have I ever had a threesome-Never

66. Never have I ever left someone on read-???

67. Never have I ever fallen asleep during sex-Never

68. Never have I ever lied about my age-Never

69. Never have I ever made up a story about someone who wasn’t real-Never

This really shows me I need to revise my bucket list!

Seven days til 72. 

Seven days til 72…

 My age posts are usually upbeat. Fun. This year I’m at a loss. How do I say I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring? I have much to do to get ready for our Florida trip. I feel so anxious about his Dr visit. What will this new look at his illness look like?

In keeping with my self discovery as I age-Never have I ever!!

 1. Never have I ever played hooky from school or work-Never

2. Never have I ever stolen anything-Never

3. Never have I ever missed a flight-I have

4. Never have I ever drunk-dialed my ex-Never

5. Never have I ever rode a motorcycle-I have

6. Never have I ever lost a bet-I have

7. Never have I ever gotten lost alone in a foreign country-Never

8. Never have I ever bribed someone-I have

9. Never have I ever gone skinny-dipping-I have

10. Never have I ever cheated on someone-Never

11. Never have I ever sang karaoke-I have

12. Never have I ever broken a bone-Never

13. Never have I ever lived alone-Never

14. Never have I ever been on a yacht-Never

15. Never have I ever been on TV-Never

16. Never have I ever been on a blind date-Never

17. Never have I ever lied to law enforcement-Never

18. Never have I ever gotten a tattoo-Never

19. Never have I ever used a fake ID-Never

20. Never have I ever broken up with someone-Never

21. Never have I ever gotten seriously hungover-I have 

22. Never have I ever used someone else’s toothbrush-Never

23. Never have I ever clogged somebody else’s toilet-I have🫢

24. Never have I ever fallen asleep in public-I have

25. Never have I ever kissed someone in public-I have

26. Never have I ever fought in public-I have

27. Never have I ever dined and dashed-Never

28. Never have I ever won the lottery-Never

29. Never have I ever had to go to court-Never

30. Never have I ever been to a destination wedding-Never

31. Never have I ever lied to a boss-Never

32. Never have I ever crashed a wedding-Never

33. Never have I ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours-Never

34. Never have I ever pranked someone-I have

35. Never have I ever had a one-night stand-Never

36. Never have I ever regifted a gift-I have

37. Never have I ever trolled someone on social media-Never

38. Never have I ever climbed out of a window-I have

39. Never have I ever driven over a curb-I have

There are more of these. I have lived a very sheltered life😬

Eight days til 72…

 Today was a difficult day. Ivan is very sick. Trying to get a clinical trial just to get as much more time as possible. He wants to be here with us. Last Friday his brother’s  daughter was killed in a side by side accident. She was more like a daughter than a niece. She has helped us keep our camp up. Been there for things we did not even know we needed. Always with warmth and love. Losing her has hurt him so terribly. What will we do without her, he said. So many tears.

Back to my last few days of 71. I’m reading and listening toBlack Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson. This is a good read. I finished a big jigsaw, Mr Wiggins Whirligigs. Seaside old town. Ivan made me foam board it to hang up. Beautiful. Only one piece eaten by Bella. Four pieces last puzzle. Tastes like popcorn  

I still wonder we how my life has passed so quickly. Where has the time gone? Lots of things I did not make time to do. Daily life got in the way. I’m sad  our last years together have been spent in this awful illness. We both try to have a semblance of a normal life but we don’t do so many of the things we love to do. Cancer takes over. Chemo. Two weeks out of town for full brain radiation. ER visits. Hospital stays. Now I am feeling blue. And almost 72. Can you find the missing piece?

Me at 71, near the porch…

                 On the beach with Cammyand 71!

              Old people selfie!

                71

                   71 with Azalea!

                       This is what I do. My kitchen is a mess!

                           Coloring eggs with the kids.

                          O the pontoon and 71!

                         Easter with Papa and Kelley at 71.

                       I’m reading at 71…

                        Still 71. 

                         Unretouched at 71!

                

                  Yup, you guessed it, 71.
 

Aging on my old front porch…

 In nine days I will be 72. I like to blog every day of my last month of each age. Say 71. Everything has been harder this       year. So I need to look at a list  of questions. I found something. The Allure Survey on aging.

1. Who are your role models for aging?  Violet Sargent. She actually aged. 103 years old. Active nearly to the end. Walking, berry picking, beach combing. I admired her zest for life. Miriam Smith. 85. She walks every morning. Bakes bread. Gardens. She also has a zest for life.

2. What words do you associate with gray hair? If is that pure white hair. Sophistication is my word. 

3. Pick an age to be. I pick 35. when is a woman most beautiful? 30 and those  young years.

4. How do you feel about the physical signs of aging? I have been lucky I guess. My red hair is not graying. I am active and have stayed in good shape. I have not minded aging. BUT then I turned 70. I don’t love my actual wrinkles. Where did they come from? Anther sign of aging I am struggling with-aches and pains. 

5. I am in a long term relationship. 54 years married to a man who has loved me and told me I am beautiful every day. So I have not had to deal with men my age not being attracted to women my age. 

6. Women feel sexier in their 60’s? I loved those years from 50-69. I felt confident in myself. Good health. Travel. My children were doing well.  BUT then 70 hit. My husband is very ill. I have lost so many friends to age related illnesses. I’m getting anxious about aging.

7. Would you consider anti-aging procedures? Big no. I think aging naturally is more attractive. No knife for me. I like a massage or a facial but nothing drastic. 

8. Do you judge others, celebs pols, who have gone under the knife? I think it is a bad idea. I don’t think it looks good at all. So I gues I do judge. But I just want to say stop…

9. What do you fear most about aging? Dying or looking old? I don’t mind the looking old. I like my self the way I am. So I pick dying. I am not ready. I love watching my grandkids grow. My relationship with my daughters. I love being in this life.

10. What keeps you feeling young? I have so many things I want to do. Books to read. Travel. Sit on my front porch. Children to watch grow…

 

Losing LeeAnne…

 Our niece was killed Friday in a Razr accident. A tire blew. The machine landed on her. Her passing is unbearable. My husband said,”What will I do without her?” She has been there for us through these two years of pancreatic cancer. Keeping our over an acre lawn in Isabella mowed. Perfectly. It made Ivan so happy. We gave her a check every month to cover her time and gas. She gave them all back to us at Christmas. She cleaned our own private Isabella for us. Including a garage with

a tumble down roof. On our few visits she aired out the house, opened windows, greeted us every time with a smile and a treat. We did not ask for help. She just did what needed to be done. She was available, as was John, to give advice on Ivan’s insulin deficiency. She made us laugh when she cleaned a lovely glass dragon fly lamp until there were no more dragon flies. She brought us a beautiful new lamp. She has been a part  of our hearts for her entire 52 years. A friend and cousin to our girls.  Childhood was fun in Isabella. John and LeeAnne’s son was well loved by his parents. Our grandkids love him. Their dogs. Our dog. Her brother, Mike and his dear family, Trina, Ellie and Logan, are heart broken. What will any of us do without her. I hope there is Social Media in heaven. I want her to read this and know how much we loved and appreciated her. The outpouring of loving posts is amazing. It shows how many people’s lives she touched.  LeeAnne, you were a special person who only made all our lives better. Love you dear niece. Say hello to your Mom and Dad for us. Uncle Ivan misses you so much. He loves all of you kids (to us you are still kids) with his whole heart. 💔

The Colbert Questionert on the porch…

 

Here I go again. Really. I almost finished my post but accidentally deleted it. So I’m trying again😩

1. Best sandwich? Club Ciabatta from Stone’s Deli. 

2. What’s one thing that you own that you really should throw

     out? My old work clothes. Out of style. Don’t fit. (I can’t)

3. What is the scariest animal? A bear. No. Squirrels. 

4. Apples or oranges? Apples. From the Isabelka tree. 

5. Have you ever asked anyone for their autograph? No. Not a

    celebrity. In grade school we had autograph books that our 

    classmates signed. I still have mine. So yes?

6. What do you think happens when we die? I don’t know. 

7. Favorite action movie? Sherlock Holmes or Murder on the 

    Orient Express. Are those action movies?

8. Favorite smell? Newborn babies.

9. Least favorite smell? Old coffee the sat burning all day. 

10. Exercise: worth it? Yes. But easy. I love a good walk with 

       my dog. Closing my rings everyday since Christmas.

11. Flat or Sparkling? Flat.

12. Most used app on your phone? Audible. ✔️Kindle. Libby. 

13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what

       is it? The Swan cello concerto. If We Were Vampires. I will 

       Follow You (Toulouse). ✔️

14. What number am I thinking of? 3

15. Describe the rest of your life in five words? Do not go 

      gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rave 

      at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light.

     — Dylan Thomas  (Is that more than five words)?

     I enjoyed answering this questionere. I think I’m going to 

     ask my friends and family to answer these questions. There        

      is stuff here we need to know about each other.   

     

                 

 

      

     

What defines you? A question on the porch…

 This question is so hard. I find it hard to see myself. To see who I am. To define myself. I am going to be 72 the end of April. Now there is a definition. I have aged much more quickly than I thought I would. I thought I would at least be able to define myself by this advanced age. Life flies by doing all the things that must be done to support a family day to day. To raise children. Being astounded by grandchildren. Working at a relationship. 

Define myself. Let me try. 

I read. I love books. Literature. 

I am low energy. I do not want to use up my store of energy on things that are not important to me. I enjoy spending time on these things: Temple Run. Hidden Objects. Jigsaw puzzles. No TV, few movies. Sitting on my old front porch. Reading. 

One of my favorite activities is having conversations with my teens. Playing Cards against Humanity starts all sorts of talks. They are bright, interesting people. They read. I love that. 

I am not great at friends. I like other people to carry a conversation. I am satisfied with the company of my family. I love my nieces and nephews. 

I could live in my one room camper. I am not in love with house work. I can be lazy if I have time.

I am caring for my very ill husband. I have somehow stayed upbeat. I have done things I did not think I could do. Blow snow for us and for two of my neighbors. Complete care of our wild dog. Out every morning around 7 to do her duty. Garbage duty. Lawn care. House cleaning. Vacuuming. Caring for my husband who always had boundless energy. Who was a full partner in every way. 

I still dream of travel. Of art museums. Of the beach.

So, did I define myself? I’m still not sure if I actually see who I really am. What kind of person am I? Did I meet my full potential as a woman? 

I will look back on this blog to see if this all makes sense. 

I read Remarkably Bright Creatures in February. Very good. I am listening to Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kinsolver. So very good!

Closing my rings on the porch…

 I was given an Apple Watch for Christmas. For some reason those exersize rings have inspired me to, well, exersize! I have only missed a couple of days since Christmas. I am still doing Strength training for older people. I had to go down to 3 lb weights-it is hard for me but getting easier. I do FIIT. Or something. I really like these stretchy moves. I want to add yoga and kick boxing. The dance is too hard on my old feet. I am so proud of myself. 

Working on 2023 Pop Sugar Challenge. I have not liked all my choices so far. Weather Girl and Beach Read were a little too fluffy for my taste. I am enjoying Remarkably Bright Creatures. It is a Read With Jenna pic. I like her books. I am ready for another Shuggie Bain or The Sentence or Mr Loverman to knock my socks off! 

I love my crazy little dog so much. She is so attached to me. Follows me around. Sticks with me through excersize classes. Waits while I dress. Our other two dogs were devoted to Ivan. Bella, has picked me.