Alone on the old front porch…

 Ivan died at home holding my hand. He passed peacefully at 6:06 a.m. on 6/06/2023. Hospice broke his heart. He cried. He was so sad to leave. Kelley and Cammy were with us when he left this life that he loved so much. I bathed him and dressed him for the funeral home. His Graveside service was loving. So many people attended. My entire family from Vancouver,BC to Idaho,  LA, downstate, Texas, Florida all attended. It was a tribute to a life well lived. He had no regrets. He just wanted more. 

This now is the hard part for me. Caregiving was not it. Missing him is the most painful thing I have been through. I am alone. Somehow I have to make a life without unconditional love. Without his unwavering love and friendship. He was a good man. My heart is broken.

Aging on the porch…

 The 70’s have changed life as I know it. At 72 I am noticing wrinkles. Arthritis. My back aches. There are things I don’t want to do. Like hiking, scrubbing floors, dressing up, going out. Suffer fools.  I enjoy being home. Doing jigsaw puzzles is my new excitement. “I found a piece!” 

The decade of septuagenarian has brought a catastrophic illness into my life. My partner of 54 years has had Neuroendocrine carcinoma of the pancreas for two years-5/28/2021. It has changed everything. Pain, chemo, radiation, fear, meds, hospital stays, CT scans, MRIs, caregiving,

doctors  and nurses have taken the place of travel, relaxation, entertaining, camping  and joy. 

Aging is not for sissies. 

Birthday # seventy two on the porch…

 

 I did it. I am 72. Sweet birthday gifts and card from hubby. Aunt Joanie and Cammy and Violet. Kelley sent crackers. Michelle is waiting til I get to Florida. So far 72 is not much fun. Ivan is so sick. We are preparing for clinical trial. LeeAnne’s service was on my birthday. I am so sad about losing her to a terrible accident. Her Celebration of a Life well lived was so beautiful. 

Birthday Eve…

 I’ll be 72 tomorrow. Where have my years gone? So many good years. Then Cancer happened. These last two years have been so difficult. Lost. The possibilities. The plans. Fun. Travel. We missed graduations and games. Meets and concerts. Ivan is so sick. Chemo, radiation, medication. Nothing is easy. We rarely leave our home. We kept positive attitudes. But that hope and optimism we always had is wearing thin. This will be a bittersweet birthday. He loves giving gifts and with LeeAnne’s help got me a puzzle table with sorting drawers. New puzzles. A portable puzzle board for the camper. He will somehow get me a tiramisu. 

LeeAnne’s Celebration of Life is on my birthday. I almost can’t. How do we let her go. 

Family on the porch…

 

Violet and Cammy drove up from Vero and U of M. First year of collage finished. They are staying for a couple of days. It is so good to have them here. Birthday peonies from Shelli and Bob. They are lovely. So thoughtful. 

Two more days of 71. I finished a 1000 piece jigsaw. The library on my new puzzle table. Listened to more of Black Cake. 

Working hard to get Ivan to Cancer Center in Tampa. This has to help.💔

Two days left of my 71st year…

 Time flies. Where does it go? Where do we go? 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. - Thomas

This is how I really feel. 

It is 2:56 am can’t sleep. I guess this all I have for tonight.

Three days until 72…

 Only three days until my 72nd birthday. I will finish the never have I evers tonight. I am anxious about Ivan traveling with his illness. He seems to be failing. Slowing down. I am grateful. Young friends raked our yard and hauled away 18 bags of leaves to compost. Friends of my daughter, Cammy. pulled our camper to Pomps Tires to have all tires replaced. Dry Rot. Old friend trimmed a tree that was as growing into our garage. Our nephew installed grab bars so Ivan can get around. Another nephew and niece picked up Kelley at the airport. They are taking us to the airport next week. Our niece, LeeAnne mowed our lawn at camp and kept it up for two years. With good cheer every good deed. I am grateful. 

90. Never have I ever been on a sports team-once years ago but we lost every game.

91. Never have I ever maxed out a credit card-Never

92. Never have I ever been blackout drunk-I can’t remember 

93. Never have I ever been engaged-I have

94. Never have I ever gotten married-I have and am.

95. Never have I ever donated to a charity-I have

96. Never have I ever pretended to be sick to get out of something-Never

97. Never have I ever stood up a date-Never

98. Never have I ever ghosted someone-Never?

99. Never have I ever had sex on a beach-Never

100. Never have I ever fallen in love-I did fifty three years ago and am still loving him.